Samantha Markle: Meghan Has Finally Driven Our Father Away!

In case you're unfamiliar with Samantha Markle, here's everything you need to know about Meghan's dangerously thirsty half-sister:

She's the absolute worst.

Meghan and Samantha Markle Split Pics

A failed actress who might soon become the first person to literally die of envy, Samantha has essentially made a career out of destroying Meghan's public image.

Or perhaps we should say she's trying to make a career out of it, but no one wants to pay her for her slander.

For years now, Samantha has been shopping a memoir about her life with Meghan, but thankfully, publishers appear to be universally uninterested.

Sadly, it seems Scammy Sammy might be able to survive on attention alone, as she continues with her endless publicity stunts, despite the fact that none of them have yielded any income.

Samantha Markle on TV

Whether Samantha is showing up unannounced in London hoping to force a face-to-face with Meg or simply spilling her guts to the lowliest UK tabloids, the woman is clearly in this thing for the long haul.'

The situation has become so dire that Samantha has been labeled a "fixated person" by Scotland Yard, which as far as we can tell is a British euphemism for a stalker.

For obvious reasons, Meg has chosen to distance herself from Sam, but unfortunately, the wicked half-sister has a powerful ally in her corner in the form of her father, Thomas Markle.

Meghan and Thomas' relationship has become increasingly strained in recent years for reasons that are entirely his fault.

Thomas Markle on Good Morning Britain Again

You may remember Thomas from when he faked a heart attack to get out of attending his daughter's wedding.

Or from that lovely incident in which Meghan wrote him a letter pleading for compassion and he sold it to the press.

Needless to say, Sam and Thomas are two peas in a pod, so it should come as no surprise that she's taken to whining to the press on his behalf and claiming that he's “given up trying” to have a relationship with Meghan.

“My dad understands and does not take it personally now,” she recently told The Daily Star.

Samantha Markle

“She is the problem not him and not anyone else in the family.”

Sam says she and the rest of the family had hoped that Meg would "do the right thing," but have since given up hope:

“She’s had several opportunities to do the right thing and purposely chose not to,” she said.

“She has to look in the mirror.”

Baby Sussex

As for her lack of relationship with her new nephew, Sam says she hopes baby Archie will eventually rebel against his parents and seek out his estranged relatives.

“I suppose the family will have to give Archie his little gifts when he is older and escaped the clutches of his controlling mother and can meet family himself,” she added.

“I hope Archie becomes a flaming liberal that ventures out to meet family himself and hopefully everyone won’t be passed away by that time.”

Yes, it appears Sam is suggesting that Archie would be rebelling against his parents by adopting a liberal political ideology.

So Royally Awesome

She may want to read up on their views before she engages in any further trash talk.

Returning to the topic of her deadbeat father, Sam says:

“It’s sad. He should have been involved. Being excluded is like a dagger through his heart.

“And poor Master Archie is not getting to know a creative, loving person.”

Yeah ... Samantha appears to be trash-talking an infant here.

The woman really has no "off" switch.