This is just devastating…

Bam Margera has fallen off the wagon once again, by his own admission. And it seems like he’s blaming Jackass… or being fired from Jackass? The skating legend is not exactly the most coherent we’ve ever seen him in the videos, which he posted to Instagram Wednesday night.

Related: Johnny Knoxville And Steve-O Hospitalized 2 Days Into Filming

In the first of two vids, he begins by making it explicit he’s as drunk as he seems, belligerently musing:

“Who the f**k cares if I’m drunk as hell or not anymore?”

He admits to having drunk seven beers and a glass of wine before getting started with his rant, which is devastating news for all those who have been rooting for his recovery.

As you likely remember, Bam went to rehab for the third time in 2019 and was, the last we had heard, doing better. Unfortunately that good news seems to have been premature…

But back to the rant. He seems to be going through a bout with depression, spurred by not being able to participate in Jackass 4 despite having worked hard to overcome the hurdles of addiction in order to get a chance. He complains:

“Jackass has put me through f**king hell on f**king wheels for a year and a half, keeping me in Pennsylvania. I couldn’t leave.”

He then explains he had to submit to sobriety tests, both scheduled and random, and prove he was taking his meds:

“I’d have to breathe into a sobriety link at three o’clock every day. Six o’clock, eight o’clock. Then a random beep would go off no matter where I was at I had to stop whatever I was doing and go to an urgent care to go piss. Then I had to wake up every day with a handful of anti-depressant pills I would have to show Paramount Pictures that I took them and swallowed them, every single day.”

He also mentions the rehab… which as he made clear does not seem to have worked:

“Now I just spent $90,000 in a rehab for 90 days at my expense, I had to go to 30 days in Florida for rehab at my expense, I had to pay for therapists they recommended…”

He trails off, but the thrust of his lament seems clear. He did everything they told him, and after all that the producers decided he was too big a risk to rejoin the cast for the upcoming installment:

“I wrote them so many ideas, and if I’m not in the movie and they use my ideas, how do you think that’ll make me feel? …I’m not in Jackass 4?!”

Bam then asks fans to support him by boycotting the movie, promising to make his own superior version if enough people send him money.

“If anybody cares about me, don’t go see their movie because I will make mine way f**king radder if you just Venmo me a dollar.”

For a moment the 41-year-old seems to access the sad truth of his emotional reaction to the news, choking back tears as he says:

“Jackass was everything to me…”

And then he is interrupted by his own retching as he rushes to the sink to vomit. It’s a true gut punch of an image after all these years. And to think there was a time watching Bam Margera puke probably would have been featured on the MTV hit…

 

In his second video, apparently filmed much later with a clearer head, Bam turns to his wife, Nikki Boyd, and opens up even more:

“If you’re a fan of mine, you understand the f**king pain I’m going through… I was so bored at home, I was living in Groundhog Day. It sucked. And yeah, Nikki found my on the interweb, typing in ‘how to tie a noose.'”

Oh dear. This is not the first time Bam has spoken about suicidal thoughts, but this may be the closest we’ve ever heard him talk about getting there. Chilling stuff.

He goes on to complain once again about being kicked out of his Jackass “family” unfairly:

“Jackass does not care about me, understand that, ladies and gentlemen… It was like my family, and it won’t let me in because they say I’m out there being a jackass on TMZ. So I can’t be in Jackass because I’m out there being a jackass?”

It is painfully clear how much he is hurting. Going back to drinking and retreating in relapse is not the way to go, but we know it can be so hard for those living with addiction to permanently break the cycle. Clearly rehab is not taking with Bam, but we sincerely hope he finds the help he needs.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

[Image via MTV/YouTube/Bam Margera/Instagram.]

The post Bam Margera Relapses & Cries Over Being Fired From <i>Jackass 4</i> In Heartbreaking Video appeared first on Perez Hilton.