I’m sure there must be some appeal to the Artemis Fowl book series that serves as the basis for this film adaptation of the same name. However, whatever might be there is certainly not translated to the movie. Artemis Fowl is something both bizarre and bland, boring while also being deeply strange. What could have been a fun and somewhat different kind of blockbuster for kids is instead just a big ugly mess. Pulled from a handful of different dates on the calendar over the last two years, it’s now being dumped on Disney Plus tomorrow, saving it from the box office failure that was undoubtedly in its future. The movie is a fantasy adventure, based on two of the first books in the Artemis Fowl franchise. I’ll keep the synopsis brief, since it frankly doesn’t make any sense, anyhow. Here, we’re introduced to Artemis Fowl (Ferdia Shaw) a boy genius and son of the mysterious Artemis Fowl Sr. (Colin Farrell). When the latter disappears under mysterious circumstances, the former begins to learn that many of the fairy tales and stories he’s been told as a lad are, in fact, based in truth. Finding out that his father is in danger, Artemis quickly morphs into a criminal genius, plotting to steal a MacGuffin and capture a fairy, all in a plot to save the day and be reunited with his father. The less said about it, the better, especially when we meet the characters played by Judi Dench (doing a voice that will make you cringe) and Josh Gad (also doing a terrible voice, but also doing something with dirt you’ll wish you could unsee). Kenneth Branagh directs a screenplay by Hamish McColl and Conor McPherson, based on Eoin Colfer’s novels. Supporting players include Nonso Anozie, Lara McDonnell, Tamara Smart, and more. Haris Zambarloukos handles the cinematography, while Patrick Doyle composes the music. It’s impossible to tell what Kenneth Branagh saw in this material. Disney clearly was hoping for a gigantic tentpole franchise, their own Harry Potter series, for example. That’s not going to be the case here. There’s almost zero chance it’s going to get a sequel. Branagh appears in over his head, both disinterested and flabbergasted by what’s going on. That extends down to the cast, who are overwhelmed by the nonsense (like Ferdia Shaw), or actively contributing strange choices that don’t work (like Judi Dench and Josh […]