Ahhh, Florida Man.

The viral stories that come out of the Sunshine State are so legendary, they have their very own category on our site. And the perpetrators of those incidents — collectively known as ‘Florida Man’ — always leave us shaking our heads! Where do they find these people?!

Related: The ‘Florida Man’ Challenge Is The Most Ridiculous Viral Craze!!!

The very existence of the Florida Man meme got us thinking: of all the crazy s**t that’s come out of America’s wildest state, what’s the weirdest? The wackiest? Where do we even begin??? We attempted to make sense of that with a definitive list (below). Forgive us for this one, y’all! LOLz!

Without further ado, Florida Man…

…Commits Murder One Day After Leaving Jail Early On COVID-19 Release

Joseph Williams was one of more than 100 inmates released in March 2020 from a Florida prison as part of a public health order to lower the risk of spreading COVID-19. But not even one day later he was back in police custody after allegedly killing a man nearly immediately upon being released from jail during the pandemic sweep. Dude…

The craziest part is that the 26-year-old Williams, who had previously been arrested dozens of times in the past covering at least 35 previous charges (!), would’ve walked completely free from his first legal predicament thanks to the administrative order surrounding the pandemic! That directive sought to clear low-level, non-violent offenders out of the system so the state government could coordinate its greater pandemic response plan.

Yeah, so much for that…

…Steals Millions In COVID-19 Relief Funds To Buy Himself A Lamborghini!

David T. Hines was charged with three felonies by the US Department of Justice after he allegedly applied for millions in COVID-19 relief fund-related loans, only to use the money for a new 2020 Lamborghini Huracan for himself, rather than payroll expenses as required by the loans.

According to government allegations, Hines defrauded the coronavirus pandemic-related relief fund of nearly $4 million, spending the money on dating services and high-end restaurants and bars across south Florida, in addition to the $300,000 new car. Caught red-handed — like, literally, when authorities arrested Hines they recovered $3.4 million! — he now faces serious consequences for his horrendous pandemic greed!

…Shoots And Kills Son-In-Law At His Own Surprise Birthday Party

Surprise birthday parties and guns just don’t mix. In early October 2019, a Norwegian man named Christopher Bergan flew to Gulf Breeze, Florida to surprise his father-in-law Richard Dennis for his 61st birthday party. To complete the surprise, Bergan hid in the bushes in Dennis’ backyard on his very first night in Florida, waiting to jump out to surprise the man with his carefully laid-out plan.

Just one (tragic) problem: Dennis, who had been startled earlier in the night with another family member banging on his door, mistook Bergan for an intruder when the younger man jumped in surprise, and the 61-year-old shot his son-in-law. Regrettably, Dennis’ aim was perfect — the bullet went straight through Bergan’s heart — and the younger man died at the scene. Police investigated but ultimately determined no charges ought to be filed in this tragic, sad, and somehow uniquely Florida-esque case of mistaken identity…

…Tries To Order A ‘Blunt’ At Burger King!

They say you can ‘Have It Your Way’ at Burger King but, uhhhh, surely their marketing department didn’t mean it like this, right? Back in December of 2011, then-32-year-old Shawn Porter was arrested by cops in Deltona, Florida after he “jokingly” attempted to order “a blunt and some herbs” while going through a BK drive-thru. The quick-thinking cashier — who, by the way, reportedly smelled marijuana coming from the jokester’s car when he pulled up to the window — wrote down his license plate number and called the cops.

By the time Porter got home, a deputy was waiting at his house, and arrested him for drug possession after finding 28 grams of pot in his car. Oops! No word on whether Porter ever got that “blunt and some herbs” he’d been looking for, but his little run-in with police here serves as an important reminder: don’t order drugs in the drive-thru at Burger King! Even if you’re in Florida!

…Gets High In The Maternity Ward While His Wife Has Their Baby!

Dude couldn’t you, like, wait until you got home at least???

A man from Jupiter, Florida was arrested for getting high at a hospital in the town of Stuart, Florida back in 2014. David Bastin was busted by cops for cannabis possession at Martin Medical Center, and eventually locked up on a $1500 bond, charged with possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. No big deal, right? Just a little weed bust… uhh, at a hospital?

Well, fiine… until you learn the reason he was at the hospital in the first place was because his wife had just been admitted to the maternity ward to give birth to the couple’s child! Wait, WHAT?! Look, we can totally get behind a nervous dad-to-be trying to let off some steam with a little weed, but how do you get busted and jailed for it while your wife is giving birth?? Seriously?! We doubt she enjoyed bailing him out of jail after that!

…Calls The Cops Looking For A Fight, Hits On Female Dispatcher, And Then…

It all started fine — St. Augustine resident Eduardo Raoul Garcia called the cops one day back in 2015 to report a threatening phone call that he’d gotten. So far, so good! But quickly, the conversation with the dispatcher devolved, and Garcia started hitting on her, telling her about his “big muscles,” and asking if she were single before hanging up. How rude! He called back again — twice, actually — before cops from the Fruitland Park Police Department made their way out to his location. Once there, they noticed four beer cans lying by Garcia’s side — ahhh, suddenly an explanation for so many passes at the dispatcher!

But the 44-year-old refused to pack it in there, and eventually challenged the officers to a fight, threatening to head butt one of them. A group of cops subdued the intoxicated guy and put him in back of one of the cop cars… where he proceeded to spit through the bars and onto one of the officers in the front seat. Stay hot, Eduardo! Seriously, wacky arrests happen in pretty much every state all the time, but where else but Florida can you find a guy who calls the police to set himself up for the fall?! We just wonder if he ever got his date with that dispatcher… Ha!!!

…Beats Up A Pregnant Woman Because He Thought She Had Coronavirus!

Right when the coronavirus pandemic hit a fever pitch in early 2020, Cape Coral resident Joseph Newell was evidently more worried about it than most people… but the way he allegedly went about defending himself against the virus (?!) was both completely wrong and utterly disgusting. The 24-year-old man was arrested by officers from the Cape Coral PD for beating and strangling a woman who was six months pregnant, all because he thought she had the coronavirus! Dude, WTF?!

According to reports from the scene, officers arrived to find Newell “straddling” the pregnant victim on the ground, with his hands around his neck and punching wildly at her face. Cops eventually pulled him off and arrested him; the woman was taken to the hospital for treatment, though it wasn’t immediately clear what happened to her in the aftermath of the attack. It’s also unclear whether Newell even knew her to begin with, though cops say he knew she was pregnant — and, perhaps not surprisingly he was intoxicated at the time of the attack. Of course, when you see his mugshot (above)… yeah…

…Stabs Couple To Death And Gets Caught Eating Their Bodies

Back in 2016, cops in Tequesta came across a horrific double murder in which a 21-year-old man stabbed to death an older couple in their home. Worse even than the tragic crime itself, when Martin County Sheriff’s deputies arrived at the home, they allegedly found the suspected assailant — a man named Austin Harrouff — cannibalizing the victims. He’d also “stabbed and seriously wounded” a neighbor who apparently tried to come and help the dying couple in their time of need. Holy s**t…

At the time, police officers were worried that the drug “flakka” may have been central to the attack and Harrouff’s allegedly horrific post-killing actions, though in recent months prosecutors have termed the incident as part of an “acute psychotic episode” the young man was suffering at the time of the incident. He’d initially been scheduled to go to trial in May 2020, though that was pushed back in favor of a second mental health evaluation. No kidding…

…Gets Arrested For Returning Dozens Of USED Enemas To Pharmacy!

Dude, what the F**K?! Back in 2012, a then-34-year-old Florida man was arrested and eventually indicted on charges of buying enemas at CVS pharmacy stores, using them, and then returning them to the stores in re-sealed packaging as though he’d never used them before! Uggghhhhh!!!! What a s**tty thing to do!

According to news reports, Ronald Eugene Robinson used and returned multiple enemas on at least 12 different occasions to various CVS stores in the Jacksonville area throughout that year. Worse still, the used rectal equipment was unsuspectingly re-sold to at least 21 other customers who must’ve gotten home only to open the box and find… GROSS! Just, unbelievably gross!!! We don’t even know what else to say about this one!

…Leaves His 10-Month Old In The Care Of A Pit Bull

We love dogs as much as the next person, but come on… back in 2012, Florida Man James Irvine left his 10-month-old baby under the supervision of the family pit bull while he decided to go out drinking at the bar! Apparently, the baby’s (far more responsible) mother left the child with Irvine only for a few hours while she had to go to work. But instead of, ya know, doing what he had to do for the kid, Irvine allegedly decided he’d rather go drinking, and left the child at home. Not to worry, though, because when he was finally reached by the frantic mother, he allegedly told her things were fine because “the pitbull was watching the baby.” Oookay!

The careless man was arrested by cops in Flagler County and taken to jail to be booked on child endangerment charges. He was later released on $1,500 bail. Thankfully, and most importantly, the child was unharmed while under supervision of the pit bull. Good dog! Not so good dad…

So there you have it, Perezcious readers! Just another set of TOTALLY NORMAL stories about the wildest, weirdest, wackiest men from Florida! YIKES!!!

[Image via Hillsborough/Jacksonville/Lee County/Martin County Sheriff’s Offices/WENN]

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